My room smells like vodka and shame
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
