I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
