Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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