OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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