he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
