at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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