There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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