I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
