Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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