I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
