And the cops told us we were all naked.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
