I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
