If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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