i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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