Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my shit smells like andre
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
