just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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