I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
