dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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