If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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