as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
