you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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