my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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