I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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