and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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