I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
