Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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