your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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