I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
