i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your penis caused this!
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