I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
