I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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