Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
