you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
