guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm getting married
To pizza
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
