3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
