About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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