I cannot find my penis.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
