my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
