My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
