dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
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So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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