I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
