Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
