Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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