She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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