I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
