Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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