I think i peed on brittanys purse
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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