There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
