At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
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I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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