ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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