One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
