it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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