im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
