I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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