Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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