when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
