Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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